


Dean's Perspective

by cheshiredog



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18, 15x18 from dean's perspective, Dean's perspective, Despair, Episode 15x18, Expanded Canon, M/M, cas's goodbye, castiel's goodbye, despair from dean's perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:55:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27458362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheshiredog/pseuds/cheshiredog
Summary: Short expansion on THAT SCENE from 15x18. If you haven't watched that episode and don't want to be spoiled, please do not read!!
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 96





	Dean's Perspective

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING FOR SPOILERS: If you have not seen season 15 episode 18 of Supernatural yet and do not wish to be spoiled, DO NOT READ THIS. This is a continuation of a canon scene with major spoilers.
> 
> So I just had too many feelings about this, good and bad, and this is my way of vomiting them up and getting them out because Jesus, this series is so frustrating. This fic is short but actually very personal to me so please be kind. A lot of people felt Dean's reaction during Cas's confession was stolid and forced, but personally I resonated with it because I, like Dean, struggle with self loathing. I hate myself, and it is uncomfortable for me to hear people say kind, positive things about me to my face. I shut down and draw into myself. THAT is how I read Dean's reaction. Whether Jensen Ackles made conscious choices in that direction, we may never know, but that's how I perceived Dean's reaction. Although I made Dean a little more conflicted here than I think was intended in the script or in Jensen's acting lol.
> 
> I used dialogue from the actual show that I DO NOT own, and I don't claim to. I just wanted to expand upon that scene because we all know we deserved far more (far earlier.) If you hated how they handled this, I feel you, I do too in a lot of ways. But I needed to write this and share it, so here.

“I can’t stop it,” Dean said.

Death—Billie banged on the door, her fist rattling the wood on its hinges. Once. Twice. Dean stepped closer to Cas, closer to the door, closer to their doom, dismay clawing at his insides as he finally understood that they had lost. This was it.

“She’s gonna get through that door,” he said.

“I know,” Cas rasped.

“And she’s gonna kill you, and then she’s gonna kill me.”

Cas glanced helplessly at Dean. A resigned acceptance seemed to settle over him.

Dean shook his head. He’d failed his best friend, his brother, Jack. This was all his fault. “I’m sorry.”

Cas’s brow creased. “Wait, there is— There’s one thing she’s afraid of, there’s-there’s _one thing_ strong enough to stop her.”

Dean lifted his gaze, uncertain hope flickering in his chest because Cas was always there, always fighting. Even when he was knocked down, dragged out, he always came back. Who else but Cas could figure a way out of this? Then Dean swallowed hard, his throat clicking, because something in Cas’s expression seized his heart in a cold grip.

“When Jack was dying—” Cas began. “When Jack was dying, I-I made a deal. To save him.”

A frown worked its way onto Dean’s features. “You what?”

“The p—The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned, and it would take me forever.”

Dread grasped Dean’s chest, choking him. “Why are you telling me this now?”

Death knocked.

Cas shuffled his feet, gathered his words. “I always wondered—ever since I took that burden, that curse—I wondered what it could be, what-what my true happiness could even look like. I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want,” Cas shook his head, “it’s something I know I can’t have.”

What did he mean? What true happiness could he not have?

Tears welled in Cas’s eyes as he continued, “But I think I know—I think I know now. Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”

Dean’s heart pounded in his chest. “What are you talking about, man?”

Cas stepped closer, his gaze never leaving Dean’s. “I know—I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken, you’re Daddy’s blunt instrument, and you think that hate and anger, that’s-that’s what drives you, that’s who you are. It’s not.” Dean’s throat ached. Why was he saying this? “And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love.” _No._ “You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.”

Death knocked

“You’re the most caring man on earth.” _Stop._ “You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.” _You’re wrong._ “You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me.” A tear broke free, rolling down Cas’s cheek. “Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you.” _I’m broken._ “I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack, I cared about the whole world because of you.”

Death knocked.

A sob escaped Cas’s lips. “You changed me, Dean.”

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

Death knocked.

“Because it is.” Cas took a deep breath. “I love you.”

_I don’t deserve it._

Shaking his head, Dean whispered, “Don’t do this, Cas.”

Behind Dean, a soft screeching sounded, like nails on a chalkboard. Dean turned, vision blurring with tears, to see the writhing black mass of the Empty bubbling into existence. This wasn’t happening. He turned back to Cas. The door flung open to reveal Billie, determined with her scythe in-hand.

Wait.

“Cas—”

Cas touched Dean’s shoulder.

Not yet.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

“Wha—”

Cas threw Dean into the wall, out of the way. Dean’s head spun. Billie stalked forward. Cas smiled. With a deep breath, he faced the Empty, his face serene, at peace. The Empty reached out, engulfing Cas, swallowing Billie. The last Dean saw of Cas was that gentle smile, warm and happy and sad.

He was gone.

Dean sat against the wall. He cried. Not heaving sobs at first. Tears just leaking freely from his eyes, his body reacting before his emotions even got a chance. He stared blankly, for how long, he didn’t know. Then his phone vibrated, Sam’s name on the screen. That broke the spell. The shock, the adrenaline dissipated. Dean dropped his phone to the floor and curled into himself, buried his face in his hands. Cas was gone. Cas loved him, and he was gone, and Dean had done nothing to stop it.

“Please.” The prayer was barely audible, whispered into his palms. “Please. Cas. Please hear me. I’m so-I’m so sorry. Come back. Come-come b-back, Cas. Just come back.”

Sam and Jack found Dean on the floor like that, sobbing into his hands. He couldn’t speak. When they asked where Cas was, he shook his head.

They led him to the kitchen. He slumped at the table, staring numbly at nothing. The scent of beer stirred his senses as Sam handed him a bottle.

“Tea or even coffee would probably be better, but…” said Sam, sitting across from him, hands folded on the table.

Dean glanced around the kitchen. “Where’s Jack?”

“He, uh, he needed a minute.”

Dean nodded. A long silence stretched as Dean clutched the bottle. Finally, he croaked, “He’s gone. The Empty took him.”

Sam nodded, his expression tight. “Everybody. Chuck took everybody. Not just the resurrected and the ones from other worlds. Everybody. It’s just us now.”

Dean stood, striding away as if physical distance from the words lingering in the air would make them hurt any less. He bowed his head, squeezing the bottle until he thought it might shatter. Then he sank onto the steps at the kitchen doorway because his legs couldn’t hold him any longer. Sam joined him.

“He told me something, Sammy,” Dean began, head resting against the wall, “before—before he died. I don’t know— And now he’s gone, and I can’t— What am I supposed to do? I let him down, Sammy. I just couldn’t—”

Sam cleared his throat. “We keep going. That’s what we do. It’s what-it’s what Cas would do. It’s what Eileen would do. Charlie, Bobby, Donna. We keep fighting until we can’t.”

Dean sniffled, swiping the flood of tears from his face. “I don’t know if I got it in me anymore, man. I don’t know if we can win. I don’t know if I even care anymore.”

“We don’t have to win. We just have to fight.”

Dean gritted his teeth, sighing because everything was overflowing, and he had no way to get it out. “Why does it feel different this time? Why does it feel so final?”

“I don’t know.”

“He made a deal with the Empty. When he saved Jack, that was how he did it. The deal was when he experienced a moment of true happiness, that would summon the Empty and it would take him.”

Sam frowned. “Moment of true happiness?”

It hurt to swallow. “Yeah. He said-he said he knew he couldn’t have what would make him happy.”

“So-so what happened?”

“I don’t-I don’t know. I don’t know.” _Liar._ “He said all this crap about me and then he said he loved me and then it took him.” _Traitor._

Sam watched him silently. Did he know? Was he waiting for Dean to admit it? But he still didn’t understand. There was so much unsaid and unfelt, not given the chance to be said or felt. But Cas deserved better. He deserved better than God treated him, better than Dean treated him.

He deserved better than Dean.

“Me,” Dean choked. “I think it was me, Sammy. I— Fuck, he loved me. I think he-he wanted to be with me.” Dean pressed his head into the wall until it hurt, squeezing his eyes shut.

Sam was silent for another long stretch until, “Yeah.”

Dean opened his eyes. Sam was frowning at his beer bottle in his hands. “You knew?” Dean asked.

Sam shrugged. “I’m not surprised.”

Dean heaved a sigh, staring at the ceiling. “We fucked up, Sam.”

Sam nodded slowly. “Now we gotta fix it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Again, please be kind. If you hate Destiel, don't spread that hatred. I don't condone toxic shippers who take things too far. I ship the fictional characters because their deep relationship speaks to me in that way. That's all. Thank you for reading!! <3


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